Author and mother Gina Bontempo noted on X recently that the online uproar over a woman being the “default parent” in her child’s life smacks of the lie that men and women can, and should, be treated as interchangeable.
For those unfamiliar with internet lingo, the phenomenon in question is as old as mothers and fathers themselves, extending beyond internet scuffles. The “default parent” is the one who carries the so-called “invisible load” of administrative tasks related to the children (doctor’s appointments, school events, family vacations). But more significantly, she bears the emotional tasks of raising children. Mothers will often complain that their sleep-deprived or sick or developmentally fragile children will flock to them even when the mothers are burned out, while their husbands stand unencumbered and unneeded right beside them.
It’s not that this isn’t true of most parent-child relationships, but that mothers need to make peace with what is both natural and, truly, a brief blessing. Children’s natural preference for their mother is a biological reality. There’s no use in fostering resentment towards either your husband or your needy children about it.
“Obviously Mom is the one that babies need and want most when they’re hungry or tired or in pain,” Bontempo wrote. “To pretend otherwise is to pretend like men and women, fathers and mothers are interchangeable. We aren’t. The feminist-coded mothers on social media complaining about the stress of always being the ‘“default parent”’ live in a fantasy world where moms and dads are exactly the same, perfectly equal and switchable when it comes to young children. Very dysfunctional thinking.”
The very phrase “default parent” is the type of genderless word-slop that arises from a society that views differences between men and women as symptoms of systemic prejudice, even when these differences are inherent and natural.
Rather, the “default parent” has the joy of being, albeit temporarily, her child’s almost sole source of comfort and rest. The mother has the immense privilege of satisfying all of her child’s needs in the first year or so of his or her life.
Indeed, few talk about what must be the frustrations of the parent who is not “default.” My toddler son is already starting to flip the script and as a mother I have been able to see how hard it can be to be the person your child does not primarily want for comfort.
While sick this past week, my son incessantly called for “daddy.” No amount of cuddling from me would suffice, and I felt completely helpless and, if I'm being honest, a little rejected. But it’s all a part of the bittersweet seasons that come with parenting.
I understand that my son’s gravitation toward my husband at this time is part of his normal development just as his obsession with me at a younger age was normal and healthy. My husband and I are different people with different roles, and even at one and a half years of age, my son understands this.
To be your child’s “default,” to be recognized as his primary source of comfort and even nourishment is a blessing that the moms of TikTok would do well to enjoy before it ends.
Sarah Wilder is a writer and commentator on culture and the family. Formerly a reporter at the Daily Caller, her work has been published in Chronicles Magazine, The Federalist, and The American Mind.
This culture article was made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal, a project of 1819 News. To comment on this article, please email [email protected]. The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of 1819 News.
