Not long ago, a video circulated on social media highlighting the difference between the parenting styles of baby boomers and millennials. For the millennial mother in the video, everything was about being gentle, leaving the boomer grandmother rather perplexed over why she shouldn’t tell her grandchildren to “be careful” or “hurry up."
@todayshow Sometimes "gentle parenting" can make you feel, well, not so gentle — especially when you're trying to teach the concept to your own parents. 🤣 📹: @thedailytay ♬ original sound - TODAY Show
If you’re like me, by the time you reached the end of this video, you likely felt a bit like slapping some sense into the millennial mom. (Oops, that’s not gentle though, is it?) Meanwhile, you can’t help but want to give the grandmother a hug to soothe her confusion!
I thought of this video when I happened across an article in “Psychology Today” entitled, “The Pros and Cons of Gentle Parenting.” The author – a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor – admits that there isn’t much research yet on whether gentle parenting is effective. However, she acknowledges that there are pros and cons to the practice, a positive being “a healthy parent-child relationship,” while a negative is “insufficient parental control for behavior to change.” In essence, she seems to be suggesting that in parenting, a balance between showing love and a willingness to lay down the law is key.
Although I would normally take the advice of a postmodern psychologist like this author with a grain of salt, I must admit that this seems reasonable … especially since it seems to coincide with the wisdom of the ages. Take the advice of James Wilson, for instance.
Wilson was one of the few American founders who signed both the Declaration of Independence and our nation’s Constitution. A lawyer who served as one of the first justices on the U.S. Supreme Court, Wilson was also the father of seven children, something which gives his advice on child-rearing a fair amount of weight.
Surprisingly, Wilson, too, advocated for a parenting approach balancing both love and discipline, writing the following in his “Lectures on Law”:
The sentiments of parental affection are generally warm and tender, in proportion to those of conjugal love. The sentiments of filial duty are generally sincere and respectful, in proportion to those of parental affection.
It is the duty of parents to maintain their children decently, and according to their circumstances; to protect them according to the dictates of prudence; and to educate them according to the suggestions of a judicious and zealous regard for their usefulness, their respectability, and their happiness.
The formidable power of a Roman father is unknown to the common law. But it vests in the parent such authority as is conducive to the advantage of the child. When it is necessary—and a real necessity exists much more rarely than is often imagined—a moderate chastening may be administered; but every milder means should be previously used.
That’s admittedly a bit deep for all of us accustomed to reading modern social media snippets, so let’s take a bit of time to chew on what exactly Wilson is saying.
For starters, he’s exhorting parents to show love and affection toward their children. In return, children should pay appropriate respect to their parents.
Parents, Wilson continues, are obligated to provide for and protect their children, but in doing so, they must not neglect sound training. This training is not one in which children are taught to be self-centered individuals who are a drain on those around them; instead, it should teach them to be outward focused and well-adjusted members of society.
Finally, Wilson exhorts parents to remember that they are the ones in charge of their children, not the reverse. However, this authority does not give parents the license to turn into tyrants. Wilson admits that correction is necessary, but cautions moderation in doing so, urging more gentle training methods before resorting to harsher ones.
We often have such an austere view of our predecessors, that it can be surprising to envision someone like Wilson advocating for a balance between firm correction and gentle love toward offspring. But that really shouldn’t surprise us, particularly as many of our American founders followed biblical principles. In fact, Wilson’s childrearing advice sounds a lot like a careful balance between the biblical admonitions to, on the one hand, win the hearts of our children, while on the other, being willing to mete out correction when needed.
So to return to our video clip of boomer vs. millennial parenting methods, which generation is right?
Judging from the wise individuals who have gone before, the answer isn’t necessarily a generational one. Instead, it’s a matter of which parents will heed wise counsel and balance both gentle love and firm correction in order to eventually produce adults that will be a blessing and help to the culture around them.
Annie Holmquist is the culture and opinion editor for 1819 News. Her writing may be found at The Epoch Times, American Essence Magazine, and her Substack, Annie's Attic.
This culture article was made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal, a project of 1819 News. To comment on this article, please email culture@1819news.com.
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of 1819 News.
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