My name is Randy, and I’m a chocoholic.
(All together now:) Hi, Randy!
Welcome to chocoholics not-so-anonymous. There are no meetings since we have no desire to quit eating chocolate. There are no “chips” for reaching chocolate sobriety for one month since that is an impossible goal for a true chocoholic. And if a chocoholic had a sponsor, the conversation would go like this:
“I’m going through withdrawal! There’s a Dove bar in the cupboard, and I really want it!”
“Why the heck are you calling me? Go ahead and eat it.”
The reason I’m excited this weekend is because Monday is what is known as a “chocoholic holiday.” That’s when chocolate tied to a specific day goes on sale. There are three chocoholic holidays each year: the day after Valentine’s Day, the day after Easter and the day after Christmas.
Why? Because chocolate earmarked for those holidays is sold in different packages and shapes. Hearts, rabbits, eggs, Santas, trees. It’s the same chocolate, just in a holiday shape.
And since stores don’t want to sell chocolate that would seem “old,” they put the stuff tied to a holiday on sale the day after the holiday.
It’s a chocoholic feast.
Does your mouth care that the chocolate you’re eating in May is in the shape of a rabbit or egg?
It does not.
The day after Easter is the most critical since it will be several months until the next chocoholic holiday.
Like many people, we have our Easter traditions. We usually have lamb for dinner after church and then watch The Ten Commandments, even though we know the lines by heart. “So let it be written. So let it be done.” Best Biblical movie ever, in my opinion. But as I turn in that night, my strategy for the next day is already set and my mouth begins to water.
My first stop on Monday morning is always the local Walgreens, as they carry the brands I crave. The top target: Lindt gold bunnies. The store opens at 8 a.m. I’ll be there with bells on at 8:01.
My biggest score came a few years ago when I walked into Walgreens and saw the manager shaking his head at the massive amount of leftover chocolate as he attached a 50% off all Easter candy sign to a shelf. And there they were.
Rows upon rows of Lindt bunnies.
I grabbed a cart and quickly headed toward the manager. “Morning. Will you make me a deal if I buy all the gold bunnies?” (Chocoholics are not shy about negotiating.)
“Tell you what, I’ll give you ninety percent off if you take them all. And anything else you want.”
“Sold!” I pushed the cart against the shelf, extended my arm and in one motion swept the entire stock of Lindt bunnies into the cart. Then I spotted my next favorite, Dove dark chocolate eggs. Again with the sweep. I found a few more things I liked, bags of Cadbury mini eggs. Godiva? Ehhhh, overrated. The cart was now full.
The manager checked me out, took off 90%. I still spent 20 bucks.
Which meant I had $200 worth of premium chocolate. Hopefully, it would last till Christmas.
When I got home with my haul, I discovered I had 40 Lindt bunnies. Doing the math, eating one per week would easily let me make it to Christmas. That year people would see me eating a chocolate rabbit in November. Hey, don’t judge me.
Of course, one rabbit isn’t going to last an entire week for a true chocoholic, so that will be interspersed with the Dove eggs. And every so often I’ll whip up a batch of Ghirardelli brownies. (The batter is as good as the brownies.)
These days, supply chain issues worry me, and I’ve noted stores aren’t stocking as much chocolate as they used to. So I may end up hitting a few more stores after I’m done raiding Walgreens.
I’ve come a long way since the days as a kid when Mom would let me lick the batter off the beater. And I’ve learned that if you want the best chocolate all year at a bargain price, you must abide by the chocoholic motto:
The early bird gets the rabbit.
Randy Tatano lives in Brewton and is the author of more than 20 novels, writing political thrillers under the pen name Nick Harlow and romantic comedies as Nic Tatano. He spent 30 years working in television news as a local affiliate reporter and network field producer. The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of 1819 News. To comment, please send an email with your name and contact information to Commentary@1819News.com.