You can have my gas stove when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. 

Of all the stupid things the church of climate change has targeted, this one takes the cake. (One baked perfectly in a gas oven, of course.) 

The high priests of this church tried some misdirection, saying that cooking with gas stoves causes respiratory problems. But if the government was that worried about respiratory issues, it would ban cigarettes. Don’t quote me on this, but I think those kill a few more people than gas stoves. 

But cancer sticks won’t go away for a couple of reasons. First, there’s way too much money from the tobacco lobby and it’s a huge cash crop. Second, the church of climate change is determined to destroy the fossil fuel industry, and cigarettes don’t play a part. If they had their way, you’d be baking your breakfast biscuits by putting them in a hot electric car parked in the sun while being charged by the windmill in your back yard. 

Every decent restaurant cooks with gas. I defy you to find a legitimate chef who wants to cook on an electric stove. Because you can’t perfectly regulate the heat on an electric stove like you can with gas. 

Being Italian, I cook every day, so when we bought our current house, I had the electric stove ripped out and a gas line run into the kitchen. We wouldn’t have bought the house if it wasn’t hooked up to the city’s gas supply. 

But the church of climate change wants to suck all the good things out of life. (Their cathedral, located in Switzerland, curiously looks like a thousand-dollar-a-night hotel.) First they went after meat, wanting us to give up hamburgers, because we’re facing global Armageddon unless we start eating crickets. (Though I’ve been curious about the poor government scientist assigned to measure the methane in cow farts. “Okay, Elsie, let ’er rip!”) 

Few people are eating these alternative foods. Ever visit a grocery store when a hurricane is approaching? Empty shelves except for all the vegan stuff, the fake meat, the cruelty-free tofu ice cream, the free-range bean sprouts. And when the power goes out, I can still cook on my gas stove. 

By the way, I used to do weather on TV, and went through the three-year Broadcast Meteorology program at Mississippi State, so I don’t believe the propaganda. The climate has been changing since the beginning of time. It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s hot, it’s cold. Humanity is still here. We’re not going to roast like a chicken in eight years. 

Al Gore said New York City would be underwater about 10 years ago. Last time I visited, I didn’t need diving gear to get to Rockefeller Center.

When you hear something like “the hottest day in recorded history” bear in mind that accurate recoded weather history only goes back about two centuries, while the earth has allegedly been here about 4.5 billion years. Kind of a small sample, since dinosaurs didn’t have thermometers. 

Sure, we can all do our part to help the environment. Walk when you can, plant a tree, recycle, don’t litter, buy your kid a bike instead of being a constant chauffeur. 

But when elites take private jets to Switzerland and tell us how to live, I draw the line. If these hypocrites wanted to do their part to save the planet, they’d have a Zoom meeting. 

But it’s all about control, which they want desperately. I’m certainly not going to listen to advice from John Kerry. How can anyone trust a guy who dumped Morgan Fairchild? 

But hey, if you believe all the teachings of the church of climate change, knock yourself out. Ditch the burger and enjoy your kale. (Soylent Green.) 

Meanwhile, stay the h--- out of my kitchen, Bill Gates, and go back to doing what you do best: making computers that crash. 

Members of the church of climate change should take note of an old slogan that applies to anything when you’re doing something right: “Now you’re cooking with gas.” 

No one in the history of civilization has ever said, “Now you’re cooking with an electric stove.” 

The defense rests.

Randy Tatano is the author of more than 20 novels, writing political thrillers under the pen name Nick Harlow and romantic comedies as Nic Tatano. He spent 30 years working in television news as a local affiliate reporter and network field producer.

The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of 1819 News. To comment, please send an email with your name and contact information to [email protected].

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