It's that time of year again when the calendar flips, and people decide they are going to improve themselves in some way. The two most popular resolutions, quitting smoking and losing weight, generally die a grisly death in a few weeks as people go into nicotine withdrawal or can't go more than two days without chocolate. (The latter would be me.) The local gym that is packed today will be back to normal in February.
It occurs to me we need blanket resolutions for society; stuff nearly everyone should agree would improve the quality of life for all. Granted, some of these fall into my personal pet peeve category. But work with me here, and perhaps we can all make a difference. So here are the suggested resolutions that should cover everyone in some shape or form:
People Obsessed with Cell Phones
-Hang up and drive. I'm going to wear out my car horn dealing with people in front of me who are still yakking as the light turns green.
-Just because someone doesn't respond to a text in 30 seconds doesn't mean that person is in trouble or dead. Realize that not everyone stares at a cell phone all day.
-Get a life. It's a big, beautiful world out there.
Men
-There are these incredible devices called razors and steam irons. Stop going out in public looking like Scooby Doo slept in his shirt.
-Take off your baseball hat in a restaurant. Are you dining out or playing centerfield?
-Practice chivalry. Women want to be treated as equals but appreciate an old-fashioned gentleman.
Parents with Young Children
-Get your kids off the internet and kick them outdoors to play. This does not include playing video games outside.
Parents with Teenagers
-Hide their cell phones once in a while. Tons of cheap fun as the meltdown ensues. You'll want to make popcorn for this.
Kids
-I'm begging you, please learn to look both ways before crossing the street. And don't cross the street while looking at your cell phone.
-Learn to cook and/or make your own school lunch. Give Mom a break.
Politicians
-Stop spending like you're using Monopoly money. Think of it as your own cash.
-Stop demonizing people of the opposite party.
-Stop lying. (I know. Who am I kidding with these?)
Women
-I've been married 33 years. Do you really think I'm stupid enough to put something in this section?
People Attempting to Cook Italian Food
-Stop using cottage cheese in lasagna. It's just wrong.
Dealing with Telemarketers
-They've been wasting our time for years. It's time we wasted theirs. When those car warranty people call, the conversation should go like this:
"Yes, I'm so glad you called. I just bought a car."
"What is for to make and model of driving vehicle?" (spoken in broken English by someone halfway around the planet who claims to be named Dave)
"It's an American Motors Pacer. Bought it last year." (Use any obsolete car. A Yugo, a Gremlin, an Edsel, whatever. They'll spend several minutes trying to find the thing in their database. It's important that they think the car is one year old, so make sure to add "bought it last year.”)
People who are on Social Media
-"Misinformation" is not defined as something you disagree with. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. And sometimes facts are things you don't like. Be civil. Calm down and watch cat videos.
-If you're a Hollywood celebrity, shut up and act. You're someone who pretends to be someone else while speaking words written by someone else. We don't care what you think.
People who buy Gifts for Teachers
-Any teacher who has taught for more than 10 years has enough bath salts, scented candles, hand lotions and coffee mugs to open a Bed, Bath and Beyond. Be creative for those who touch the future.
Reporters
-Revisit Journalism 101. Check your opinions at the door. Tell people what you know, not what you think.
Randy Tatano is the author of more than 20 novels, writing political thrillers under the pen name Nick Harlow and romantic comedies as Nic Tatano. He spent 30 years working in television news as a local affiliate reporter and network field producer.
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of 1819 News. To comment, please send an email with your name and contact information to Commentary@1819News.com.
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