“There is always a well-known solution to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.”
— H. L. Mencken
After much study and thought, I have concluded that most men seek power to compensate for their shortcomings. The good news is that Americans are quick to pardon even the most wanting of men once he is called “Mr. President.”
The reason is simple: the people see the president’s salvation tied up in their own. We are the government, after all, and our vicarious redemption requires we take on no personal responsibility whatsoever, only a collective burden where all are pardoned, as long as we blindly accept the bad faith the state offers us.
We are all scapegoats now.
Yet, there are times when politicians and the public sense a crack-up of this carefully balanced system. The old sacrifices and tributes stop working. The usual rituals and traditions seem stale. The people then demand a recasting of the illusion so a new awakening may occur, else they may grow too cynical, independent-minded, and free for their own good.
We have reached such a point in American democracy. The public are casting a jaundiced eye towards the political class and seeing the emperor has no clothes. Something must be done.
Calls for campaign finance reform, term limits on congressional members, and the shrinking of centralized federal power abound. We hear petitions for scrapping the electoral college and the two-party system and demands for more diversity, equity and inclusion to correct historical wrongs.
All these answers to our complex problems are clear, simple and wrong. They lack radical vision, symbolic significance and democratic spirit. The people are sheepishly clipping the edges of a bramble patch, when what they really need is the clean slice of a smartly sharpened ax.
So allow me to propose a modest amendment to the U.S. Constitution to restore the symbolic spirit of our dynasty, preserve our collective salvation through democratic means, and enshrine the ultimate “diversity, equity and inclusion” plan in one fell swoop.
I propose reforming Section I, Clause V of Article II of the Constitution, wherein the eligibility requirements for President are set forth, to read:
“No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States. And if that person be of the male sex, upon declaration of his nomination for that Office, he shall undergo voluntary, complete and utter castration, if he is not already a eunuch.”
There would, of course, be many technical considerations regarding implementation of this new rule. How would this change affect the process of presidential succession? Would a vice presidential candidate require gelding as well? How would the public verify the deed was done? Honor system? Doctor’s note? Public notary?
These sorts of technicalities, as well as the sheer audacity and gore of this modest amendment, would prohibit any realistic chance of its passage. But we are drowning in practical, realistic plans to save the world. Let us try something so unrealistic, so impractical, that it might just work.
If adopted, there would be one direct outcome: the presidency would be occupied exclusively by women and eunuchs. And initially, there would likely be many more women than eunuchs serving in office, for the simple reason that most men do not wish to sever their membership with the male sex. Furthermore, any man willing to part ways with his endowment just for the sake of wielding power would be demonstrably insane and immediately suspect in the eyes of the usually forgiving public, thus having little chance of winning the presidential chair.
Another indirect outcome: this amendment would allow us to finally test the proposition so often advanced by American women: if women ruled the world, everything and everyone would be better off. I find this claim highly suspect, but am eager to test its truth.
So, for the sake of saving our democracy, let's smash the glass ceiling by removing the family jewels. Let’s enshrine diversity, equity and inclusion at the highest level of government by cutting men’s shortcomings from office once and for all.
Coda
If this satirical proposal ever came to pass, humanity would be doomed, especially for taking an unserious idiot's advice. I suspect women would still act like the men they replace, for the problem is never one's sex, but one's ideas. As long as bad faith in the state reigns supreme, bad ideas will continue to make waste of our liberty.
Joey Clark is a native Alabamian and is currently the host of the radio program News and Views on News Talk 93.1 FM WACV out of Montgomery, AL M-F 9 am-12 noon. His column appears every Tuesday in 1819 News. To contact Joey for media or speaking appearances as well as any feedback, please email newsandviews931@gmail.com.
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of 1819 News. To comment, please send an email with your name and contact information to Commentary@1819news.com.
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